Last Post (?)

Well folks, it's been two weeks since my last post.

The reason is simple. I have been kicked out of Japan. I didn't break any law or campus rule. I did not produce failing grades. The forces that lead to my expulsion are biological in nature.

Ever since I was a child, I have suffered from insomnia. At different times in my life, it has fluctuated in strength. The worst that my insomnia had ever been before going to Japan was such that it would take me 2-3 hours to fall asleep at night, with or without the aid of sleeping medications. For the first four weeks of my travels in Japan, my sleeping schedule was adequate for my needs. I of course suffered from jetlag-induced insomnia for the first week, but afterwards my sleeping patterns returned to normal.

However, for the last two weeks that I was in Japan, for reasons that I do not understand, my insomnia was worse than it had ever been in my entire life. I do not say this lightly. From the clock on my bedstand, I can accurately say that on average it was taking me 4-5 hours every night to fall asleep. Considering that I had to get up at 7:25 for classes, this resulted in me only getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a night for two weeks. This led to a severe state of sleep deprivation that exacerbated my other medical problems. Chief among them was my depression.

I have no problem speaking of this now. I have been depressed since I was ten years old. I have been undergoing treatment and medication for manic depression for five years. For the first four weeks in Japan, my depression was manageable. I sometimes got moody and tried to isolate myself from others when it got really bad. However, I still was able to take part in campus life and participate in my dorm's activities.

However, after two weeks of sleep deprivation, my depression became extremely powerful. It was the worst that it had been since before I started getting professional treatment for my depression five years ago. My dorm mates took notice, and suggested that I see the campus counselor. I did. I had three sessions with her before I was kicked out of Japan. I admit now that my behavior during these sessions was irritable and disturbing. But I must repeat, I was under severe sleep deprivation and under normal circumstances, I would not have acted as such. I was prescribed sleeping medication, but I was unable to get it filled before I was removed from the campus.

It has been a little over a week since I have left Japan. I understand now that what was done was done for my best interests. I thank those who were worried about me, and I regret and apologize if I mistreated anybody during my departure.

Despite these admissions, I still believe that I was unjustly kicked out of the International Christian University. I believe that I was not given proper consideration by authorities who had the power to prevent my expulsion. I would like to point out three reasons why I believe I was not treated fairly and was improperly kicked out.

1) At no time was I given a psychological evaluation by a certified psychiatrist. I did meet with a doctor, but it was only so I could get the prescription for sleeping pills. At no time was I determined by a medically trained professional to be a danger to myself and others. The decision to expel me was made only from the statements of the counselor and various teachers. If I had been given a proper medical evaluation, I believe that it would have been determined that the root of my behavior was my sleep deprivation. With treatment, it would have gone away and the depression would have become controlled and my behavior would have become normal again.

2) I was prescribed sleeping medication. However, to fill it, I would have to travel into downtown Tokyo where I did not know the way. A map and directions were provided, but I still was not able to locate where I was supposed to get it filled. In addition, if I had reached the pharmacy, I find it doubtful that I could communicate in Japanese what I needed filled when I have enough trouble indicating what I want to eat at a restaurant. The idea that I could have gotten the medication filled by myself is preposterous, especially considering that I was sleep deprived. I could have easily gotten lost or made a mistake at the pharmacy. In order to get my medication, I needed a fluent Japanese speaker to accompany me. I asked several people, but was turned down by everyone until Joey Stockerman agreed. We were going to fill it on Thursday because he was swamped with classes and duties as President of the Dorm on ever day before that. I had every intention of getting my medication filled. However, I was expelled and sent home on Thursday night, the night that I was going to get the meds. Therefore, I fault ICU with not making sure that I could get my medication. I believe that this led to the ICU staff to dismiss me before I had a chance to recover.

3) At no time was I warned that my behavior may lead to my expulsion. I received no prior warning. I literally found out about my expulsion about an hour before they expected me to vacate the campus. I feel that my rights as a student were violated. I should have been given a warning so that I could try and get my act together.

It is for these three reasons that I believe ICU unfairly expelled me. Despite all of these things, I do not begrudge anybody. I simply want to go back. ICU was my home. Well, that's wrong.

Second Men's Dormitory was my home. My dorm-mates were my family. I believe they were mistreated with the way that I was stripped away from them. Most of the agony that I felt when I had to leave Japan was the thought that I had to leave them. I want to return. It is too late for this semester, but I still want to come back for the Spring semester. I have already tried to contact the counselor who set the entire process in motion. I sent her a sincere apology for what I had done and forgave her for what she did. Still, I have received no reply.

I am being told that I may not be allowed to return to ICU. I find this unfair. I find it unfair because I was unjustly expelled. I find it unfair because it hurts me to know that my dorm-mates are worried about me. I find it unfair that I did not get a chance to defend myself.

But despite this, I want to return for the Spring semester. But I need help. I need help NOW. By December, if I have not been given the go-ahead to return to ICU, I will have to go back to my American university.

Please email me. My address is nahood@ursinus.edu.

I want to hear from everyone. My friends, the administration, my dorm mates. I can't do this alone. Please contact me. Do not think that I don't want to hear from you; I do. Even if you don't know what to say, please contact me and just let me know that you are thinking about me.

I will return to ICU this Spring.

But I can't do it alone.

This is Nate in America, signing off still as just another gaijin.